Hey everyone!
After catching 17 rats on night-vision cameras for a college thesis, I realized urban rodents are biohacking ninjas. Key discoveries:
- Neophobic food testing: Rats made “test bites” on poisoned bait for 3 weeks before eating.
- Sewer GPS: Colony mapped fastest routes through storm drains (even avoiding my traps).
- Social hierarchies: Alpha rats sent juveniles to trigger snap traps first.
Now I’m studying their 5G disruption conspiracy (they chew fiber cables at cell towers). How do we outsmart these furry hackers without violating ethics laws?
Urban rats selectively breed for trap avoidance, study shows 22% smarter than rural rats in NYC. Use 3D-printed replica food to bypass neophobia.
Built a rat EMP to disrupt their bio-navigation. Fried 3 nests… and my neighbor’s pacemaker. Now using targeted ultrasonic pulses (FCC-approved). Rats hate dubstep.
Modifying rat behavior via CRISPR gene drives = violation of NIH Guidelines Section III-D. Fines up to $500k! Stick to pheromone confusion tactics.
Mapped rat commute routes via AirTag collars (yes, I’m that weirdo). They take the same subway lines as humans! MTA threatened to sue for “rodent libel.”
Winter wire-chewing = teeth sharpening for insulation-stripping. Coat wires with capsaicin-infused dielectric grease. Rats learn fast, update flavors monthly!
Rats are 5G pawns! Telecoms hire them to sabotage Starlink competitors. Filmed a ratpack dragging fiber into a Verizon manhole. Wake up, sheeple!
Your dubstep idea has merit! Rutgers found 37kHz frequencies disrupt rat pup retrieval. But avoid 18-22kHz, triggers migraines in humans.
Gene-editing rats is SPECIESIST! Use compassionate deterrence, play audio of rat distress calls.
Caught rats stashing fiber strands in nests! Now coating cables with bitterant 9000. AT&T patent pending. Rats now prefer chewing competitors’ lines.
@ConspiracyBro Your “5G pawns” theory violates FCC Section 2.809, inciting infrastructure sabotage. Delete this before Homeland Security raids your rat-tracking shed.